The text was originally written in English.
I have never really been able to figure out where my life begins, what it is all about, or what it all means. So when I began to put some memories together, trying to connect them, the idea was simply to go back to a time when everyone in my family was still together. That memory is from New Year’s Eve 2005.
Although I was only a small child, that night has remained surprisingly vivid in my mind. Some parts are blurred with time, while others seem frozen, as though they happened only yesterday. I remember feeling frightened and overwhelmed by the loud explosions of fireworks echoing through the night. Each sudden bang startled me, making me cry and cling tightly to my mother. The celebration that everyone else seemed to enjoy felt chaotic and unfamiliar to me. I could not understand why people smiled and laughed while the sky exploded with bright lights and deafening sounds.
At the same time, I remember noticing the excitement of my siblings and cousins when sparklers were brought out. Someone, most likely my uncle, handed them out one by one, smiling as he encouraged everyone to join in. The older children eagerly reached for them without hesitation, their faces glowing with anticipation. I, however, refused to take one. Instead, I hid behind my mother, peeking out only enough to watch from the safety of her side. Even before the sparklers were lit, I remember their strange metallic smell, something cold and unfamiliar that lingered in the air.
When the flame finally caught, the sparkler burst into brilliant golden light, spitting tiny stars in every direction. The sparks crackled softly, dancing through the air like miniature fireworks of their own. My sister laughed as she waved hers in wide circles, creating glowing loops that seemed to float magically in the darkness. My cousins chased each other, drawing bright lines through the night as if they were painting with light. Everyone around me appeared fascinated by something that, to me, seemed frightening. I watched them from a distance, unable to understand how something so beautiful could also feel so terrifying.
Looking back now, I realize that my fear was probably natural for a child. Loud, unpredictable noises and bright flashes can easily overwhelm young children, especially when they experience them for the first time. Yet despite my fear, I was also curious. Hidden behind my mother’s shoulder, I found myself watching every movement, every spark, and every smile. Somewhere beneath the fear, I wanted to understand what made everyone else so happy.
A year later, it felt as though only a single moment had passed before New Year’s Eve arrived again. Childhood has a strange way of making time seem both endless and incredibly fast. Once that year had slipped away, I began to realize the happiness of experiencing the wonders around me instead of simply watching them from afar. I remembered how everyone had laughed together the year before while I stood frozen by fear. This time, I wanted the memory to be different.
Gathering all the courage I could, I decided not to hide behind my mother. My heart still beat quickly when I heard the fireworks exploding in the distance, but I refused to let fear keep me from joining the celebration. Seeing the excitement and joy that such a small object could bring to everyone else, I wanted to know what it felt like before the moment disappeared once again. My uncle handed me a sparkler, and although I hesitated for a second, I held it tightly.
As the flame reached the tip, it suddenly came alive. Tiny golden stars burst into the air, accompanied by the familiar smell of smoke and burning metal. This time, instead of shrinking away, I stood in the middle of the celebration. I waved my sparkler carefully, watching it leave glowing trails behind every movement of my hand. The sparks seemed to sketch invisible pictures across the night, like the bright path of a plane crossing a dark sky. My laughter joined that of my siblings and cousins, and for the first time, I understood why they had been so excited the year before. The same sounds and smells that had once frightened me had become part of a joyful experience shared with the people I loved. Maybe, some fears connect us with others.
Arbër Rudi
Arbër Rudi is a student from Kosovo pursuing a Master’s degree in English Literature at the University of Prishtina. He also analyzes films from time to time.
This blog was published with the financial support of the Swiss Agency for Development and Cooperation (SDC) within the framework of the project “Strengthening Cultural Expression.” The content of the article is the sole responsibility of Hani i 2 Robertëve and does not necessarily reflect the views of the Swiss Agency for Development and Cooperation.
